Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts

Relationship and Whatnot

Among my group of friends I was the one who is very vocal on getting married and have a family.
However, as I years gone by, Im the only one remained single and available. All 3 are married while the other one is in a relationship. Even the most vocal person who always said she's not going to get married got hitched just recently.

I have always dream of getting married and have a big family, for the reason that family is one thing I have always longed to have. I grow up without a father and a siblings.

Months after having my son and through my early years journey as being a single mother, this dream come to halt. I even said to my self and to everyone who push me to get married that I will no longer get married. In my mind, its no use getting married coz I already got a son. However, as I grow old and become wiser I realized that being single for life is something I don't want, and being alone makes me more sad and lonely. I realized I'm a family oriented type of person.

My son wants a big family too...

He wants me to get married and for us to have a family. He enjoys it when we gather and eat together. He likes it when were doing things as a family. And he wishes to have siblings (specifically little sister). Even though his worried that the man im going to be in a relationship with will not gonna like or accept him or will be a strict on him, he still encourage me to get married for us to have a family.

"Never apologize for having standards. 
People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them." 

My past relationship made me a strong person, and I have mentally built a wall that protects me emotionally. Or Im probably just not that attractive that no one really pursued me.

People always say, "It's because you have high standards that you cant find a boyfriend!". I always roll my eyes hearing that... Just because im a single mom and in my 30's, I'm just gonna jump into relationship with any guy I just meet. NO! A big no. Relationship to me is sacred. When I enter into a relationship its going to be on the road for marriage. No, I'm not putting pressure but isn't that what relationship supposed to be?
And besides, I need to be sure with the person I'm going to be in a relationship with, either the relationship last or fall short, coz it's not only me... I have a teenager in the picture and at stake. I'm not just putting my heart out to the man but also my sons heart. I need to be extra careful.

The hopeless romantic...

I believe in instant connection. I believe in spark. Its something Im looking for in a person I am going to be with. It should be someone Im not hesitant in showing the me inside this body. I am such a complicated person and not to mention moody and sensitive. Someone who will see me past the awkwardness and tackless mouth that I tend to show to hide the shyness or nervousness. Someone who will understand and love me unconditionally.
I believe I'll meet someone soon. Someone who is not perfect but perfectly compliments my personality. Someone whom I will say... worth the wait. <3 p="">

Don't I deserve to be me?

You know when you reach the point of your life that you’re so tired of people around you. Tired of always following what they want. I've always been the type of person who always follow what everyone wants and adjust myself to the situation or to the person. I just keep silent even if i'm no longer comfortable or tired. I always please everyone to like me and in order to fit in. 
 I guess lately that change a bit... lately all I wanna do is make myself happy and not pressure myself in making other people to like me. I never thought Id reach this point... but i'm probably tired of pleasing people around me. I just felt that the more I please and follow them, the more I feel hurt and lost my drive to live in this world. 
I  feel uninspired day by day thinking, hearing, or reading people expectations on what I should do and I shouldn’t. 
I feel like I have no right to do what I want. 
I feel like they are saying those coz i'm often wrong in the end and so I have no right to decide on my life.  
I feel so restricted to be me... to be happy... 
Yes, I've made mistakes. I mess up most of the time. I've made bad decisions. But don't I deserved to be me and be happy because of it? 
 Freedom and Peace. Why is it so hard to get?

The Three Rules I Play

In our house I play 3 rules; daughter,mother and provider. It was never easy playing this rules at the same time especially when situation calls that I have to choose which come first in this rules. Good thing that life has already experiences that help me play this rules with much needed strength and confidence. There have been many times Ive fallen without anyone who catches me, picked me and comforted me.

As a daughter, it was never easy catching up with a 52 year old single-maiden-mom. Since I was a child Ive always wish my mom and I bond like the Gilmore Girls do but sad to say we never did. Though I still believe that its never to late for everything. I just need to arranged my life now because I feel that as long as long as I'm not stable and living in comfort we wont be closer. My mom never got married or never ever had any serious relationship (haven't seen some guy visiting her everyday so maybe none!) again as I grow up. I don't know why but I think its one of the major issue why she constantly got some mood swings and just got mad at times over small problems or things. Ive been trying hard to understand her by doing everything to provide her the comforts of living but it still not enough. And sometimes it would reach to the point that I have to just let her be, if she is mad then that's it! Because I don't just play as her daughter all the time, I still have 2 rules to that needs me too.

As a mother, Being a single mom is never easy because you will need to play 2 rules; a mother and a father to my son. Oh! I should have said 4 rules... (chuckle) Anyways, raising a child is crucial since what you teach and what he learn came from how you raise him to be. And now my major problem is a father-figure for my son since there is only mom and I in the house he tends to imitates some feminine ways. I'm really hoping to remedy it and right now confused as to how I will do that... I don't want to just grab some guys because its not going to be a good idea having relationship just for a sake of necessity.

As a provider, well this is really tough. Its never easy earning money. It has been a major factor in living specially now that prices of commodities increased. Food, shelter, current and water bills, clothing and etc... I need to provide this for my family.